Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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