The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i love accidental penises.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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