I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
