a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
