I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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