The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
How's work?
Spinning.
Be still, my beating vagina.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
