if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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