Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Are we still banned from the library?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
did you just send me my own nude
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
