Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
