I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
