Sry I called you an 8
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need water and some morals
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
