I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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