There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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