That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
