You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
