You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
