Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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