Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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