i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Randomize
