you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
