Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
