you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
