I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
handjob tips. give me some.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I touched a dick in church today
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
