I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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