I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
