my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
