i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
