Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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