I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
