I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
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I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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