I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
