I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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