IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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