Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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