i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
