Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
