It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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