I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
