Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
