Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
