put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
