At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
