chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
ttyl tear gas
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
