this beer tastes like vomit already
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
