dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
