I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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