i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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