Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
