I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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