my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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