I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
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