I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She's the barista slut.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
