Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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