My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
