I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
