im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
