did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
