It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
